SEPARATED

This service is designed for people who have decided to agree to disagree and part ways. If you are separated that probably means that your spouse and you have come to terms that you are better off apart and have either filed for divorce or are in the process of initiating the legal paperwork. 

Although I do my best to always maintain a positive outlook and like to use positive words I understand how challenging divorce can be. As delicate as I would like to be, there is no easy way to put it. The truth of the matter is that getting separated to someone you intended on spending the rest of your life with can be utterly devastating. 

Getting separated and walking the path of divorce has been compared to mourning a death. There is a spectrum of feelings people can encounter along the way including:

Denial: This feels like being in a state of shock where you can't believe this is actually happening.

It takes time, but you will wake up one day and you will be ready to accept it and make the necessary steps to survive.

Depression (Sadness and mourning): Once you realize that this is it you may become depressed because everything is changing so much and so quickly. It can be overwhelming and very challenging to cope with all the changes happening in your life. 

You are not alone. Divorce is depressing. Regardless of the situation it is normal if you feel sad. The best advice I can give you is to feel it. Feelings will chase you until you stop running away from them. Allow yourself some time to cry, to mourn, and to feel whatever you need to feel. All of your feelings are valid. Accept that sadness, confusion, etc. are a part of the process. Let them have their moment, and then let them move on. With that said, if you are experiencing signs of severe or prolonged depression please contact a professional for help. 

Pain and Fear: It hurts to know that person will no longer be a part of your life and it can be scary to think about the future now that everything is unknown.

Be honest with yourself and accept that everything will change from finances, family and friends. During this time it is important to keep in mind why you are making this decision in the first place. If you have made up your mind that this is the best option then you must constantly remind yourself why this is the right thing to do, accept that things will be different, and make the changes so that your life can be better. The unknown can be terrifying, but if you take control of the steps you take you can change the course of your life so that your path leads you to a better place than you are now.

Anger and Frustration: It's normal to feel angry that it got to this point. You may experience anger towards yourself for feeling like you could have done something better or you may feel anger at the other person for feeling like they gave up on you. 

The most important thing to remember when experiencing this is to not let yourself say or do anything you could regret. Don't let these feelings cloud your judgement or your decisions. You will get past this and when you do you will want to walk away with a clean mind, heart and hands. 

Guilt and Shame: You may feel guilty if you blame yourself and even if you don't you could still feel guilty because you feel responsible for how this will affect the people connected to your relationship. You may also feel shame because no matter what some people won't understand (and they don't have to). Certain people are innately judgmental. Do yourself a favor and remove the power of their opinions from your life. 

Don't be hard on yourself. Only you can understand why you are making this decision. You must own it. This is your life and you have to do what is best for you. None of this is easy to do and you probably wouldn't be doing it unless you felt like you absolutely had to. Don't let anyone take your peace. Let go of the weight of guilt. You will not be able to move forward while you are carrying that extra weight on you. 

As for shame...if you were in a relationship that you had to get out of then you should feel proud that you were brave enough to do so. Many people spend their lives miserable in a bad situation. Try to find pride in the fact that you loved yourself enough to give yourself the chance to start over again. 

Acceptance: It could take time, but once you get to this point you have begun the healing process. You may experience a sense of relief. A weight will be lifted and you will begin to see clearly again. Don't worry if you have relapses and the feelings go through cycles...you are human, but make a commitment to yourself that you will get through this. 

Think about the future you want. If you could have the life you want, what would it look like? Sit in a quiet place by yourself with no distraction and envision your future self. What would you do? Where would you go? Who would you be? Also, change your vocabulary and start using proper titles to make peace with your new status. You don't have to call yourself "divorced". You could just say your "single" or whatever you are comfortable with. It also helps to talk about it without conviction. If you talk about your separation/divorce like it's a good thing, others will perceive it as such. Get out there and make friends. Talk about it with people who have been through it and survived. You are not alone. Do not isolate yourself. Take the opportunity to turn a new page and start a new chapter.

Coaching can be extremely beneficial through this process because it can counsel you to prevent these feelings from turning into resentment and bitterness. It can also point out your strengths and help you find comfort in your decisions. You do not have to go through this alone. The path to divorce can be long and challenging. It will be easier and less draining for you if you establish a strong support system with a professional by your side to guide you.